


Now I Know

by thebasement_archivist



Category: The X-Files
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-06-03
Updated: 2002-06-03
Packaged: 2018-11-20 15:10:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11338002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebasement_archivist/pseuds/thebasement_archivist
Summary: Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived atThe Basement, which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address onThe Basement's collection profile.





	Now I Know

**Author's Note:**

> Note from alice ttlg, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Basement](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Basement), which moved to the AO3 to ensure the stories are always available and so that authors may have complete control of their own works. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Basement's collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thebasement/profile).

Now I Know

## Now I Know

#### by Starfish

Now I Know  
by Starfish  
  
http://www.mrks.org/~starfish/xfst.html Rating: PG. Yeah, shocked me, too.  
Disclaimer: The characters of the X-Files belong to Fox, 1013, and/or Chris Carter. I wrote this. 

Notes: Written for the "Light at the End of the Tunnel" Lyric Wheel. This is as hopeful as I could get, sorry. I've pretty much quit watching the new episodes, but this can be inserted into the timeline of season 9...somewhere. I think it's Krycek talking...don't ask me how, it's the X-Files. Where've you been? 

* * *

Daylight. 

I woke up with a start, unused to another body in the bed beside me. One of my old instructors told me that the human mind could get used to almost anything, given time. 

Time... 

I don't know how much time we have. Don't know whether it's still safe now, even. But I woke up to see you had spent the night again with me. And if it all ends this morning, I know what we had was real. 

Real fights, real blood. Real knives in the forest. Real bullets in a parking garage. 

I should have known it couldn't end there. And now I know I should've never let you go, that first time. The first time we slept together, the first time we woke together. I never dreamed you could be so tender, so careful, so...loving. 

I can say that here, now, in my own head. I don't think I could ever say it to your face, though. I'm too afraid. Afraid of the power it gives you over me. Afraid of what I might hear you say in return. Afraid I'd never be able to let you leave afterwards. 

After all this time you probably felt safer on your own. But I was never better off alone. I know you don't see me as a person who needs other people, and it's true, I don't. I just seem, somehow, to need you. And that's a weakness, in my world. 

I need to know you're alive, somewhere. Safe, somewhere. And I can accept that the somewhere can't ever be with me. I don't like it, I wish I could change it, but I can, finally, accept it. 

It's not like I have a lot of choices, right? 

Choices. 

We've all made some pretty bad ones over the years, you and I especially, but it seems like almost every one who's still alive has made some colossal errors in judgment. And we all like to think that maybe, just maybe, if we took a step back and examined our lives, we could find that one moment, the pivotal point that changed everything, and we'd - what? Find a mad scientist with a time machine; go back and make it all better? Funny, all the years, all those cases, and I don't remember that one. You'd think if there was such a thing, somebody would have started an X-File on it. 

I'm getting quite whimsical here - must be your influence. And wouldn't Scully get a chuckle out of that, if I ever had the balls to tell her. I think we can safely assume that day will never happen. 

You wake suddenly, as I did, and your eyes snap open as you scan the room. What are you looking for? Do you count the exits, as I do? Check for danger? Or is it simply that you can't remember where you are, after so many days on the run? 

After a second, your eyes lock on mine, and I know what's in your heart. I know, too, that you'll never tell me, as I can never tell you. The words would mean everything to me, and that's what makes them so dangerous. But you don't need to say the words. Because I know. 

Now I know. 

~end~ 

* * *

Now I Know by Anthony Rapp 

I woke up to see your face again, I woke up to see You had spent the night again with me  
I never thought we'd be like this again, never thought we'd be Then you came back to me 

Chorus: And now I know I should've never let you go And now I know I've always loved you  
And you are so much more than I deserve I want you to know that now I know 

After all this time you probably felt safer on your own But I was never better off alone  
You probably thought that I'd forgotten you, probably thought that I Couldn't see you out of the corner of my eye 

(Chorus) 

I thought that I knew what you wouldn't do I thought that I knew everything and more 

* * *

Comments? Tell me all about it. 

* * *

If you enjoyed this story, please send feedback to Starfish 


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